Changing the Way We Show Up for Others
Today’s guest returns to the show to talk about his new book, The 50 75 100 Solution. Bryan Falchuk shares ideas to create better relationships in his new book, and how his writing process has changed over the course of his two books. This is a great episode for anyone who is looking to better a relationship or understand the journey that many authors experience.
[4:30] - Bryan returns to the show to talk about what has changed since he was last on the show with the release of his first book. Bryan talks about the changes in his professional life, and the inflection points that have helped him navigate these changes.
[7:03] - Bryan’s new book, The 50 75 100 Solution is all about focusing on how we engage with other people, and started with his relationship with his wife.
[9:10] - Bryan talks about how and why he went about writing this new book. It stemmed from shifting his view of his relationship with his wife from what she was doing wrong to how they could both affect different behaviors from each other by presenting different versions of themselves.
[14:04] - When he started applying the ideas from Open Heart, Clear Mind in his own life and with others, his book started to present itself and at that point, he had no choice but to write it. This was different than his first book because he was writing from the middle of the situation, rather than something he had had inside him for a long time.
[18:45] - It is normal for an author’s first book to just flow, and then for them to struggle to start a second book. You often need more time to research and gain new life experiences. Charlie talks about the difference between explanatory and exploratory writing.
[22:55] - The idea of the book is all about proportions or percentage of a relationship. Most people start out at 50/50 which is more “us vs them,” or each person showing up for themselves. 100 is when you’re each trying to make the other 100% better.
[25:22] - 75 is where you have control over three quarters of the situation; this is made up of our actions and our reactions. In a relationship, our reactions are to the other person. Recognizing that you have control over what version you give another person to react to can lead to a virtuous cycle to get things to 100.
[28:16] - “Better” in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean everything is fine, but it does mean that the situation is resolved to a point where there is less suffering.
[32:30] - We often feel like someone is intentionally doing something to us to erode trust. There is usually something deeper going on there where they believe hurting you gives them more power. It can be hard in these cases to give people a different version of you.
[37:25] - Charlie and Bryan talk about the evolution of the language of apologies, by acknowledging the suffering we may have caused. It’s also important to note your intention (or when something was not your intention).
[40:57] - The book goes through different kinds of relationships and how this strategy might work. Bryan and Charlie talk about how this idea plays out for interactions with children. It focuses on the Buddhist principle of happiness seeking.
[46:55] - Bryan’s strategy ties into the work Charlie and Angela have done around positive boundaries, and making space for people. This can play out in families, in the workplace, and really any relationship.
[52:00] - There is a difference between pain and suffering. Suffering adds the human spiritual element to a situation. This is related to another Buddhist concept of non-attachment. This concept can be very empowering for your life.
[55:20] - Bryan and Charlie talk about the struggle of presenting these Buddhist principles as someone who is not born a Buddhist. The principles Bryan talks about can play out in any type of relationship, but in some situations a different path may be needed.
[1:00:59] - Bryan’s invitation / challenge is to think about a relationship and understand what happiness is at play in the relationship (for both parties), and how you can appeal to both of those needs.
Mentioned in This Episode:
Start Finishing, by Charlie Gilkey
Productive Flourishing Ep. 184
Do a Day, Bryan Flachuk
The 50 75 100 Solution, Bryan Falchuk
Open Heart, Clear Mind, Thubten Chodron